Forgivness

I think forgiveness must be the hardest thing in life to do. There is not a person in the world who is not effected by forgiveness. As I watch my own children and other children they seem to have a much easier time with forgiveness. I see very small children whack each other and graciously accept the others apology and then move on with what they were doing. They do no hold a grudge or get caught up in the after drama. They seem to be able to express their anger in one way or another like getting sick, or creating some sort of drama, throwing a temper tantrum or with cool reserve and then they move on to the next moment. But in adults it seems so much harder. We say that we forgive but when the same hurt happens again we don't concentrate on the hurt of that particular moment but rather add it on to a series of past hurts.

 I recently forgave my father for the intense pain he had caused me while he was alive. I choose to see the pain as a great kindness because it had taught me so much about what I could do on my own in this life and that if he had been kind to me in a way that I had wanted that maybe I would have never done as many things as I have. He used tell me that I was nothing without him and I used the feelings that those words had on me to achieve great things in this life just to show him. But really in the end what I realized is that he had given me a great gift. I had not shown him but rather I had shown myself what I was capable of. But even as I say this, I think, maybe it is so easy to forgive him now that he is dead. I mean sure, I am secure in the fact that he can not hurt me again. So if he were still alive would I have such forgiveness for him and cross the bridge into love and understanding. I struggle with this forgiveness. Especially with myself. I feel that if I could find that deep forgiveness for myself I could be kinder and more loving with others. I mean I truly believe that we are all loving and beautiful human beings at the core but the one thing I seem to forget is that we are all just human and that when we fall that, that is all it is, just  a fall. I heard a beautiful story of a boy who had lost his eyesight when another boy shot a BB gun at him. Later in his life the boy sought out the other boy who had done this and befriended him. He had felt that through his blindness that he had learned so much and had truly forgiven the boy who had done this and wanted to know him as a friend. I do not think of this boy as a saint but rather at the core of who we all really are. I hope one day to be as gracious and loving as this inspiring soul.