Inner Peace

We are all on a journey. Some journeys may seem harder or easier than others but everything is relative to one's own senses. One person's experience is not greater or less then an other's. We are all searching for inner peace because this is why we have come here.

Inner peace seems to be a most mystical place that many seek but never find. There are yoga retreats, meditation retreats, new homes, new cars, new situations, new jobs, new lovers and so on. We think in those moments when we are somewhere away from ourselves, that all is good, all is at peace and all is one. But the moment we come back to ourselves we begin to feel again, and so our moment of inner peace that we thought we had, is now gone. We are alone with ourselves and that makes us uncomfortable. So we convince ourselves that there is no real place of inner peace, or we keep searching and hoping that we might find it or even that someone has the key to unlock it for us. Or maybe that it is all someone elses fault that we don't have it. But there in lies the answer. Inner peace is not outside us but within us. There are no magic retreats, or lotteries or some magic person or higher being that can take us there. It is within us. Not outside us.

It is that deep journey inward to the deepest darkest place that we find our peace, our own light. This journey is for the brave souls who are willing to look at themselves and see that battered, hated, shameful, ugly, stupid, and powerless child that is inside all of us and begin to see the Truth about that child, that really they are beautiful, and kind and loving and smart and courageous and talented, and funny and wise and powerful. This is when we find our inner peace. When we finally take the child that is inside us and start to listen. When we start to listen we can allow the child to speak the truth about how they feel and we can sit with them and cry with them. We will listen to every story that they have experienced and validate their feeling. We will tell them it is OK to feel and we will let them know they have been seen. We will not tell them they are brave by holding it all in. We will show them that they are brave by speaking their truth. We and let them know that we are now present and will be there to take care of them from now on. We we let them know that we will not allow them to be beaten, or abused by ourselves anymore. We will promise to cherish them as they should be, to be gentle and loving to them at all times and in every situation. And in this way we find our inner peace. We have the power to do this. Jump.

The fabic of our lives

Procrastination is a funny thing, its just fear holding on and dragging us back into a standstill. I mean really life keeps moving forward, it's us that stops the motion. It's those voices in your head, the ones that pull you down and drag you into the mud. Very small children don't have those voices. They are fearless and open, excited and exhilarated by life. I've never seen a child hold back.

So today I sat down at my computer to try and write my book, the story of my music career, and there was nothing, or rather I couldn't sit still. So with the nervous energy I decided I would go off to the market to look for some fabric for the couch. I just had to get out. I had to get away from the pain inside that was squashing my head. So off I went running, but you can never leave yourself, and there amongst the fabric shops were all the answers staring me in the face. There were so many beautiful fabrics each with its own beauty, like so many beautiful tales but which story would I tell and would my fabric be beautiful or the kind that ends up in the bargain bin begging someone to take it for nothing. And then in another shop I heard the answer. There behind the tailored clothes so perfect in their linen, so pristine and manicured, was the sound of a Thai soap opera. So there it was, me trying to be so pristine and perfect, trying to be casual but in control and all the time knowing that underneath the layers lay the real me, the soap opera of madness, ridiculousness and pain. If I was going to write this story I would have to show all my colors and weave my own fabric with all its beauty and all its pain. Because although a natural linen dress is lovely it can be quite boring really. It's color that makes the world beautiful. And so with that I begin...

Closing up shop

As I sit here and try to write about the end of my lovely little children's shop, I realize how difficult it is to do that. Last Tuesday evening at 6pm I had my last customer and a minute after that, my husband and I quickly packed up the shop and threw it into a van to be put away in storage. Within an hour what had taken me over 4 years to build was over. 4 years of my life gone in an instant. Every beautiful child that had come into my shop, every lovely parent that had come in, every kind conversation was all gone and now only a memory.
I had opened that shop out of a fear of taking care of my little baby. My daughter Aiko was 5 months old and I was so worried about how I would be able to take care of her. We had no money and the only thing I really could do was sing and at the time music wasn't paying the bills. So on a trip to NYC the answer came. I would open up a children's clothing shop. I wasn't sure how but all I knew was I would. We didn't own a house, have any money in the bank but I had credit and that's what I used. I found as many credit cards as I could and borrowed what ever they would give me. I had a couple friends who helped out and painted the retail space I had found and on November 1 2006 I opened milk+cookies. My intention was to build a safe place for me, my daughter and everyone who entered the place. Over the 4 years there were so many lovely honest conversation, so many beautiful children and so many beautiful memories. I found my way in those 4 years. I entered that shop a scared little child and exited a whole adult. I am thankful for the children and adults that came to my shop. I am grateful for teaching that I learned from them.
I'm a little scared now I have to say. The road is a little scary out here. It's like flying at night time. You're excited about the flying but you're not so sure where you are going. But I guess really this is the same place I was 5 years ago wondering how I would make my life happen, so maybe I can do it again. I'll just have to believe...