Bravery

I sit here tonight at my office, looking at this computer and wanting so much to finally be brave. I want to shout to the world all the things I think and mostly all the things I feel, without any reservation about what others might think or say or the criticism I might hear from my feelings or thoughts or views but I don't. I realize that I am not brave and in not being brave I have missed so many opportunities in my life. I am brave when it comes to survival, but that is instinct kicking in and making sure I don't die but real bravery is having the courage to look bad or silly or stupid or real and I do not have that courage. I am guarded and shameful of who I am. I dream to be open and then I coil back into my shell and remind myself that I can not survive alone or so I think. I have traveled to great roads and in some ways it may seem brave but for me it comes almost as second nature. My desire to see and understand the world has taken me beyond where I might have dreamed but at home in the comfort of the moment I have not been able to reach beyond my shameful feeling of myself to stand up and take what has not been offered but could be if I tried.

I have the great opportunity to have my children at incredible school called The Blue School in New York City. It is a school started by the 3 founding members of The Blue Man group. They were 3 guys who after going through the private school education found themselves lost with no where to go, but they had bravery. They were not afraid to look silly or strange or weird or crazy and so they went on to create the extremely successful Blue Man Group and beyond.

Tonight, I was fortuate enough to go to a talk by the Sir Ken Robinson, at The Blue School. I had first seen him on Ted Talks 2 years ago and that talk changed my life. I had gone from feeling stupid to realizing that I wasn't stupid but rather I had been uninspired by school and so didn't do well because I wasn't being taught in a way that was inspiring in anyway. that experience, along with many other childhood experiences kept me locked up inside, feeling I had no place and no right in this world. Seeing Sir Ken Robinson in person tonight pushed that button again to forge ahead and start to unravel that shame and remind myself, who is this invisible person I fear will find me out? Doesn't everyone feel this way at some time and how am I helping the world by hiding my light. Don't we need more light? Aren't I glad for Sirr Ken Robinson for shining his light and changing my world and the members of the Blue man group and their wives for starting this great school, when they themselves were not even educators and changing my family's life.

So tonight, I decided I could either keeping walking in the shadow of shame or stand up to feel the sun on my face and in so doing maybe inspire someone else to do the same. So I challenge all those of you who read this to do something that goes beyond your comfort level and be brave and shine your light so that we can all find our way.

Apartment hunting in NYC

If you've ever lived in NY or have tried to find a place to live in NY you will understand how intense and difficult it is. As a newly arrived family we have no records here. No way of proving we can pay rent. I don't understand how people can come over and begin a life. I guess it's all about living with family and friends until you are established but then you need to be making 36 times what the rent is. When rents are at least 2000 and that's for a small place, that's a lot. So for us since we don't have 9-5 jobs with a pay stub and no record of income in the States we need a guarantor. That Guarantor needs to make 80 times what the rent is. Man, Daddy Warbucks where are you?????

We had been in our castle for a week and a half and now it was time to get out there and look. We had 4 1/2 weeks to find somewhere to call home. Somewhere where we could have our baby. The day was overwhelmingly hot and we stood outside the first building with hope. There was throw up outside the building, a firehouse across the way and a bar next door. It wasn't looking good for peace of sound but we were hopeful. The Super, 40 minutes late, showed us the "Large" 3 bedroom. I lived in New York for 17 years and so I know the way NY apartments used to be. They were never big but now they take studio apartments and chop them into 3 bedroom. We walked into the dark and tiny 3 bedroom apartment. As we looked around, I tried to imagine us living there and making it work. It was $4200. This was beyond our budget and yet and I thought, "Do we have other choices?" My heart was sinking and the pressure of finding our place to live was overwhelming. How could I make a place for my kids. There was hardly any room to walk. The Super kept telling us how large and quiet the place was, but on the first floor facing the street, I doubted it. We left and thanked him and I knew my husband was as worried as I was. As we saw the next few 2 or 3 bedroom apartments filled with students and their dirty dishes, laundry, beer bottles, and pin up girls, I began to wonder if there was a place for families in New York that rent. We were hot and tired and so I thought maybe we should go get something to eat. We were not far from Union Square park and a Whole Foods and figured a picnic would be good. As we walked into the whole foods we were taken aback by all the yummy looking bakery items, fruit, sushi and salad bar... "Everything would be OK", I thought. But as my daughters ran towards different items I found myself saying at every turn, that's too expensive. We settled on 4 slices of ham, some sushi rice wrapped in tofu and a smoothie. I longed for Thailand where the rent and food were cheap and I could feed my family without restrictions. But we were no longer there and we had left because we could not make money there and needed a different course for our lives. This was where we were and we needed to find a way to make it work not think about what we didn't have or what we did.

We walked across to the park and sat down where we could watch the men play with the over sized chess set. The girls were fascinated and didn't seem to notice what we had or didn't have to eat. We might not have a lot of money at the moment but our experiences were rich. Watching the chess players I began to remember that it is patience in life that helps you make the right move. We were only new here and we would need some time to find out place and make our move. I needed to think of this as a game and start to enjoy it rather then dread it. Each move would help us to the next step we just needed time and patience. For the moment we did have food and we did have a beautiful place to stay and I needed to remember that.

Hello Manhattan

I feel as if it has only been moments since I have allowed myself to rest when I can hear little feet walking. I arise to find my youngest daughter looking for me. "Where were you mommy? Is it morning time?" It is only 4am and so I try to convince her to go back to sleep. I  bring her back to the bed where the rest of the family have been sleeping but as we arrive my other daughter also awakes. They are hungry and ready to go. It would take more energy to try to get them back to sleep, so I give in and as I do my husband awakes as well. Our bodies are telling us it is 9am, so why fight it. We all head down and begin our day. I am still nervous and ready to begin our lives in New York City. My husband has only found his feet and I begin having him move around suitcases up and down the stairs to the basement. I want to get on with it and try to make things happen. There is not much for children to play with in this house and the kids are getting curious as to what they can do. I am tense and wanting them to just sit and eat so I can quickly pack up and get out but they are kids and need to explore. So in between my frantic re-packing and moving, I run around trying to stop them from breaking anything. I am trying to be calm but it's no use. I need to get out. We decide to get out of Brooklyn immediately. We figure we'll take the subway and save money but when we look at what we need to take for the next 6 weeks, we let down our guard and allow ourselves to be treated to a taxi.

It is 8am and we head over the Brooklyn Bridge. Morning time in New York is always so serene for me. I love when the city is only just waking up and you feel like you have it all too yourself. It is a sunny Saturday in July and the water bellow the bridge is glistening and I can see the Statue of Liberty out to my left. I can feel her strength and the millions upon millions that have gone before me and my family, that have had the same journey and become better because of it. I can feel their strength and ask for guidance. When we touch down on the Manhattan side, I feel a sense of relief. I love all the boroughs of NYC but for me Manhattan means I've made it. I feel like I have been in a game of tag and now I've gotten to "Home Base".

We arrive at my clients apartment. She and her husband and kids have graciously lent us their beautiful penthouse apartment on Madison Ave, as they are away for the summer. I feel like Cinderella as we arrive. September 1st, I hear my fairy god mother say and the spell will be broken. So I must remember to enjoy the ball there's not much time. The doorman greats us and helps us with our bags. He does not seem to think it strange we are staying there. He does not know what we have or don't have in the bank. He is not judging us, only I am. So I let go of how and just enjoy. We get into the elevator and push PH. I have never been in a penthouse before I had met this client and I am excited to see Manhattan from the top. We open the door to our beautiful apartment and we are all bowled over at our lives. As I show the family around the girls immediately start unfolding every toy and game they see. It's like Christmas. and Santa has brought us a miracle. The apartment is warm and inviting and we immediately feel like home. I feel like I am floating and watching from above. I still can not believe this fairy tale but I delighted to watch my children and know that for the moment we are safe. We play all day in the apartment until the afternoon when we go to Central park to take in the beauty and fun of the playgrounds. "I live here", I keep saying to myself. "I live here." That night we celebrate with a delicious chocolate cake. It is our birthday, the birth of a new beginning.

An immigrant sort of

It's a funny thing when you leave your country for 8 years and then come back afain. It's almost as if you are coming back as a foreigner. My husband is Irish and so are my children and traveling around the world I have learned to meld into others cultures rather then bring America to them. So now here I was with my family in Dublin airport and 8 large suitcases and 5 carry ons. Our lives packed in these 8 bags, filled with clothes, toys, pots and pans. It could have been 100 years before. Ireland in an economic crisis, and with what we could carry moving on to America.

We took up so much space at the counter and blocked all the other customers coming through with their one bag. I could feel that shame again coming over me and the voice, "Who do you think you are getting out of here and where are you going? And how will you take care of your family." I'm glad the woman at the counter was polish and not Irish, maybe she had a bit more compassion for us moving and allowed the 8 bags even though she said the policy was one bag each. Now that the bags were gone I felt a kind of freedom, Yes we had 5 heavy carry ons but we could hide them better. Now I could pretend we were like the other families going away on holiday and off for a great adventure. Not our reality that we were off into the unknown and so much to tackle in such a short time.

We boarded the plane to London and I was reminded that 10 years almost to the date I had come through London to reach Ireland and now I would leave the same way. The flight was luxurious. We were given a drink and a snack of crackers on our 45minute flight. In Thailand we would have been given a whole meal, but I knew the farther west we went the less we begin to get and so I was grateful for what we did get. We arrived to the hustle and bustle of Heathrow. I was excited and nervous and I think my husband just nervous and sad. The girls still had very little idea of what was to become of them. Sami who is just 4 still thinks we are on holiday and will be going back to Thailand. Aiko who is 6 doesn't know what to expect and longs to stay in Ireland, the only place that she calls home. We were a family who had been on the road for a while and hoping this next port would be the place.

The flight was packed with foreigners coming for holiday and fun for the summer. There wasn't a seat empty. Squashed and tired we began the 7 hour flight. The girls watched as many movies as possible, Feargal checked out and slept, and me, well, I tried hard to get my mind off things with a movie but each one seemed to be worse then the rest. The only one I found was Julie and Julia, which was great because it inspired me to write my blog again. The hours seemed to tick slowly by and finally outside the window was New York. "look Aiko, New York." Aiko turned and looked out the window and said "oh Mommy, your home." Yes she was right, I was but again that word if so funny for me. It's not something warm and fuzzy but a bit scary.

Immigration for most Americans is pretty routine. They ask you why you went and what you do and then stamp your book and let you go. But this time we had a package. Although, the girls and I all have American passports Feargal now had a big envelope that was sealed and waiting for the officer to look at and pass us on to the resident section. We were all put into the non-American section and waited for about 45 minutes before we got through. We sat down and played cards as we waited for our life to begin in NY and watched as the Americans quickly passed through immigration. I too felt like an immigrant waiting the long line as we tried to enter. My children were amazing, never a complaint even though they had been up since 8 in the morning Dublin time and it was now 10 at night their time. When we were finally called it was exciting to get Feargal's residency card and start a new chapter of our lives. It was not me coming home but rather us coming to find a home.

We got through with no problem and entered another room where Feargal answered some questions and then was told they would send his green card. Now on with it. We pulled the 8 suitcases off the belt and threw them on one of the large porter carts. I don't know if I was really allowed to take it but with 13 bags, 2 kids and a baby in my belly, I took no prisoners and carried on. We got through customs without a hitch and still no one stopped us. Maybe they thought we were a massive group of tourists coming through and the porter had given the cart to us. Regardless we were free and out in the sweltering heat. After almost 4 weeks of rain and cold in Ireland it was good to be back in heat. It was like being back in Thailand, except that the people weren't as friendly. The taxi man looked at us sideways and tried to persuade us to take 2 taxis but I pushed ahead and Feargal started loading in the bags and without a inch left got them all in.

The plan was to go to Brooklyn, store our bags and get into Manhattan, where we would be saying for the next 6 weeks. But the girls passed out in the taxi and we decided to stay the night in Brooklyn and re-group for the morning. The girls were out and soon after Feargal followed. As for me, well I was too nervous. I packed and re-packed the bags, did laundry and finally forced myself to bed at 10pm. It had been a long journey of almost a year to get there and I knew this was only the beginning. I went to sleep on the couch hoping I had done the right thing moving my family here and hoping I wasn't messing up their world.

Leaving Thailand

It had been almost 2 years since since we landed in Thailand and as wonderful as it was, the time had come to make some decisions whether or not to continue in Thailand or move on. Thailand offered us space and a life style where we didn't have to worry about where our next meal would come from and time with our children, but at the same time we were getting stuck. Europe and America were slowly getting out of our reach. As long as we had no desire to go home we could afford to stay but beyond that we were getting farther and father away. We now only had enough in the bank for the flight out of there. Beyond that we were also pregnant and wondering where and how to have this baby. I had been blessed to have my babies in Ireland with midwives but Thailand was as medicalized as America. So many decisions to make and what would be the right one for our family? Where would we go, Ireland, America? We had no home anywhere. No place to rest our head. We had to be clear and move quickly. So in April, we decided I would buy a one way ticket to America and check out the lay of the land. I had left the States 8 years before,single and now I was a mother of 2 with one on the way. The stakes were different. The pressure more intense. Plus I would have to leave my family for an unknown time. I packed up and in the only way I could go through it went into denial about leaving. By the time I got to the airport I didn't even cry when saying goodbye to my children. I was numb and terrified. So much pressure on me and not a clue as to what was waiting on the other side. I kissed my crying children good-bye trying to sooth them with a lie that I would only be gone a short time, but they knew I was lying but I didn't know what else to say. I felt horrible and yet it felt like the only way we could move on. We couldn't afford to all go and we had really no where to stay. Single I had more of a chance to stay on a couch but as a family of four, I don't know who would have put us up. So I went alone. When I reached Japan I called home desperately wanting to go back to my family but knowing it was too late. My children begged me to come home but how could I explain this was he only way? How could I explain we didn't have enough money and no where to go? They would be safer in Chiang Mai with their father. I would not be able to provide for them. I felt like a failure as a mother and a person. I now thought of all the women I had met over the years who had to leave their families in a other countries to make money. I could not understand how they could leave. I thought they must be so cold and not caring about their little children. But now I began to understand their pain and their shame. I too felt that way, the pain, the shame.but I had no choice, or did I? I arrived in Los angles with 2 large bags and a mission. I had to make this happen. I handed my custom forms to the officer as I was heading out of baggage claim and as he looked at the paper he saw I was a an American citizen and said " welcome home." In a flash I had tears in my eyes. What did that mean welcome home? Where was my home? And if I was home would I be safe. For a moment my childhood welled up inside me and wanted to cry for days, but there was no time. My childhood was over I needed to focus on my children and making them safe. I spent 3 weeks in Los angles and at the end I realized as sunny and mild as it was. This was not our place. I was blessed with friends and family there that welcomed me with open arms but the clock was ticking and my children were father away each minute and I still had no idea how to take care of them. I was lost and worried. My husband suggested I go to NYC. It was the city I had left behind when I got married and now I hoped it would welcome me back. New York had always been my home, the place in my heart but I also knew how expensive it was and although I had lived their for 17 years on and off, I had always just scraped by. Now with a family, no money or health insurance, a baby on the way and an unconventional job the odds were against me, but I had to go. It was the only way.

What is Love

I am amazed by life and humbled by it sometimes. Tonight was such a night. I was honored to witnessing love. When we are touched by the pureness of what love really is, it is something then will bring you to your knees and remind you that this life is truly beautiful rather then the punishment we believe it to be. I have a talent or maybe just an opening that makes be able to speak to those that have passed on. I used to think it was quite strange or rather, it made me uncomfortable since I really didn't understand it and in a way I was ashamed because I allowed people who don't believe to make me feel I was wrong. I have now come to understand the beauty and the healing that comes from being able to communicate with people who are no longer in this physical body. The work that I do is healing. I help people to see what is hard for them to see and help them shift that energy and so heal from whatever physical or emotional dis-ease. I use to feel weird about this as well, since it is not the conventional route but I have since remembered that life is not about taking the conventional route and that life only changes when we begin to look outside the box.

Tonight, while working with a client with cancer, I had one of those truly beautiful moments that really reminds me of the beauty that is life. As I went into the cause of the lump on his neck, I could hear his anger at his mother and I heard the words "I'll show you" and then as I looked a bit deeper I could see him lay flowers on his mothers grave. Now what I thought and in that instant it came to me to just allow her to speak to him. So I began to tell him what she was saying. She spoke about her love for him and that she was just doing what she thought, at the time, was the right thing to do when you loved your children. "She didn't know there was another way." She said. She spoke about how her son always wanted to go with her and during her life she couldn't understand why he did. Her unhappiness in this life made her unable to understand that she was so loved by her son. She said "I know you want to come with me now. But you can't follow me." Tears filled my eyes as she said this. I could feel my own sense of wanting to go everywhere with mother and how she always pushed me away. She said she got such pleasure from watching him as a kid making sand castles in the sand and that she wanted to have more pleasure watching him have fun in this life. It was not his time, she said. She said a few more things and then suddenly I heard no more. What more really could she have said. My client was silent and so was I. She had also helped me to truly understand that my mother did truly love me and was only doing what she thought she was supposed to. For years I had asked the question, but why? And tonight I felt I understood that there was no why, but rather it was just what she understood to be true at that moment. In that moment I felt I had been freed of the pain. I could now love my mother and move beyond what had happened, and I now knew that my own children do truly love me no matter what. It is in those moments that we understand unconditional love. We let go of the conditions and remember that this life is love. In these we understand what it means to let go and heal.

Loss and Gain

Sometimes life can a be a bit of an old record player playing over and over again. In August I was beyond happy to find out I was pregnant. I had miscarried twice before and this time I was sure it would all be alright. I was hopeful and looking forward. I was traveling in the States, when I found out and it was good to be pregnant in the place I was from. When I came home to Thailand I told my family and everyone was over the moon. We had all been sad to lose the last baby and now we were given another chance.

Babies have a way of pushing you into action and I was feeling some sort of action needing to be taken. It has been 7 years since I have lived in America and the baby was making me desire the comforts of home. Being a stranger in a strange land is all well and good but sometimes you just want to be where you know. Plus it is difficult to make money here and things were getting tight. Maybe we should go to New York. I had missed it so for the last 7 years and it would be a great place for us and the kids. We could start to make some money and I could be back in the city I loved. I could feel the fear starting to trickle in my mind. NY is great but how would we find the money and we have no health insurance and where would the baby be born and how would we afford the birth in America. Would we go to Ireland to have the baby. I had 2 wonderful experiences there with the midwives and plus its free. But we have no home in Ireland. Where would we stay and how would we afford to live there while we wait for the baby to come. Would I go alone? The pressure was mounting and I was feeling overwhelmed. I needed to see the baby and make sure everything was OK. I went for a scan at 8 weeks and I could see my baby. My daughter and husband came with as well but for some reason they weren't allowed in. I was terrified to find another dead baby. They did the scan, and there was my baby with a strong heart beat. I cried with relief. When I showed Feargal the picture he cried as well. I was relieved but not fully. Something seemed to not feel right.

It was time to get back to my meditation and clear my mind so I  could relax and take care of myself and the baby. I started mediation and I began to regain my calm. I was now 12 weeks pregnant and  I woke up early in the morning with the feeling that everything would be ok. It was 430 and I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and started doing the laundry and getting on with my day. I headed to the market and it was bustling. I bought some fresh vegetables and some fresh fruit and even ventured into the meat section with all the pieces of the animals in full view. The smell didn't seem to overwhelm me and I was happy to be able to buy this wonderful array of food for my family. I was feeling so blessed to have this wonderful life. I ran into the woman who works at my Chinese doctor's office and told her I would be calling her later that day to make an appointment to see the doctor. I wanted to have some support during this pregnancy.

Aiko had some friends over that day and we were making homemade pizza. The girls were coloring and Feargal was listening to the rugby highlights on the Internet. I went to the bathroom and there it was. Blood. I screamed and immediately Aiko came running and said "What's wrong Mommy? Is the baby dead?" I guess we all knew. We called the father of Aiko's friends who were over and asked him to come by and watch all the kids while we went to the hospital.

I had been there before, lying there on the bed while the woman doing the scan tries to look hopeful as she sees no sign of life in my uterus. "Is the baby ok?" I say. "I'll look again." she says. "I haven't found the heart yet." Maybe the baby is in a funny angle and can't be seen properly. Even when you know, you still want to believe its not true. "I'm sorry." She says. "You can try again."

I am wheeled out and asked to wait to speak to a doctor. While we are waiting an American woman sitting close by begins to talk to me. She is  4 weeks pregnant but has recently had a miscarriage. She has come to seek help in trying to avert another miscarriage. "This doctor is wonderful", she says "Maybe he can help you." but its too late. My baby is dead. She and her husband are missionaries and she asks why we are here. And then asks"So how did you two meet?" I am completely shocked and stunned. I don't know what to say. Just then She is called away to see the doctor and I turn to Feargal and say,"what a nut case." and with such compassion he says, "she is just so nervous about losing her baby. She didn't know what she was saying." Wow, he was right. I understand. Miscarrying is like some horrible little secret you must not talk about. Women are supposed to not tell anyone they are pregnant until they are sure the baby is ok and then if its not, then what? The response, that it's natures way, does not cut it. As we are about to leave the woman approaches us and asks if she can say a pray. I don't want to make her feel bad so I agree. She talks about Jesus and asks him to take care of this little baby that is in heaven now. It is somewhat comforting. I don't believe that souls die but in that moment I am glad for an acknowledgment of the pain and loss.

I return to pick up my children and carry on with their play date. I must try and keep myself busy and wait for the full miscarriage. It is a surreal day and I must go forward as if everything is ok. I miscarry the next day at home and we bury the baby at the base of the coconut tree in front of our house. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we never really die, just our body. So what was it? What was this soul was trying to help me learn? As I bury this baby I realize that if this soul was kind enough to come to me then I must appreciate what I had wanted to learn from this experience and not to take for granted this other being's journey that had been made for me. I must see myself in truth and without judgment. I spent a long time thinking about it and after much thought, I came to see that the baby wanted to help me to learn that I was not just here to give life to others and take care of them but I must give life to myself and take care of myself. The baby was right that's what I had done most of my life. I had thought that if I wasn't taking care of others and taking care of myself I was a bad person. Now I understood that there was a balance and with that I realized it was time to get back to creating for myself not anyone else.

And so with that I begin the book I came here to write. I will pay attention to the child inside me who had been asking me to listen for so long and I will write her words and create a sense of birth of freedom. Which is why we came here in the first place.

Free Burma Free Yourself

Last week I went to an evening hosted by The Best Friend Library (http://www.thebestfriend.org).  This is an organization to help bring awareness for education, social welfare and action for change in Burma (Myanmar). To be honest I live about 70 km from Burma and yet I know very little about it. There are many Burmese People here in Thailand who come for work or come for freedom or come because of the threat of being murdered by the military of Burma and I am in daily contact with Burmese people. My husband and I have even have a Burmese Karen friend that lives here now, but was moved to New Zealand by the UN 9 years ago because his life was in danger. He has not spoken to his family in 9 years because if he contacts them they will be in danger of being murdered or imprisoned. But still even with this friend I still did not look further into the situation. Nothing was waking me up to see what was happening next door.


So there I was at this night of movies about Burma. I had no idea what I would find but maybe that was for the best, maybe I wouldn't have been brave enough to go see these movies. The first one was called
"Road of resistance( http://roadofresistance.com) and the other "Burma Underground"  by Natan Dotaanmar . Both these movies are documentaries about Burma from the inside.  After watching these movies I was inspired to make a change both in the lives of these people and the lives of myself and my family. I see the situation in Burma as a reflection of the fear that we all carry inside of us. The leaders of Burma act out of a place of fear. What fear?  You might ask. The leaders of Burma have everything they could want loads of money and lots of power and everything they desire, so we might think. But if they really had everything they wanted they would not need to hurt and control others. They would be content with what they had and live their merry life. But instead they are fearful and so they believe others will take from them and hurt them if they do not attack first. The build their military ever greater with more people and more weapons. They capture children as young as 10 years to fight their battles. These children are captured and forced into the army and never allowed to speak to their families, for the army knows that to keep them alone keeps them afraid and obedient. While they are in the army they are abused and filled with fear that if they do not obey orders they will be brutally murdered and the lives of their families will be in danger. These soldiers then are forced into brutally murdering others and so it goes on. Fear brings more fear. Most of the world's governments turns a blind eye to Burma because for whatever reasons it does not suit them to help Burma. I mean Burma is building Nuclear weapons, why not go in there? The world had no problem going into Iraq.

(This is me and my 2 girls raising awareness of Burma on the streets of Chiang Mai, Thailand)

But it is not helpful to blame world governments, because we are the world governments. I must look inside myself for the reflections of the outside. Because I know that what is outside me is inside me. There is an old saying that "If you want to know a man look at his friends." This is very true. If you want to know yourself look at those around you. What are the fears of your friends and family and neighbors. What makes you angry and why? If I am angry at my friends or family, really it is only anger for myself that I direct upon them so I can blame them for my unhappiness and somehow feel better about myself. So as I look to Burma I see myself. Today I find myself reflecting the fear inside me.  I can recognize and accept that I have not let go of the fear that was my childhood. I see my life full of choices made by fear.  I was raised in a house of fear. My mother was in a constant state of Fear. We grew up in a nice home, we had food on our table, we had clothes on our backs and we went to good schools. We went to camp. But inside my mother's head there was always fear and in this fear she acted out on us and so even though on the outside all was fine I felt that the world was an unsafe place. I was fearful of what she would do to me and I was fearful of telling others what was happening inside my house. I was afraid if I told others what was happening inside my house she would get angry and act out on me and leave me. There is even a very big part of me now that is afraid to write this and put it out for all to see. But watching these movies last night gave me the courage to face these fears and to recognize them so as to change them. If I am trapped in the fear of not speaking my truth because I will get hurt I will never be the person I came to this life to be. I am a grown women now it's time for me to see that instead of living through the fear of the child. It's time to stand up and make a difference, without the fear of what will happen. Rather to stand and make a difference with the knowing that light brings light.

 change the world and brought only more anger and hate and shame. Find the love in yourself and know that every person is that same piece of love.

How to Manifest

OK so you read the book the Secret or you heard about people talking about creating your own reality or something along these lines and you still feel that you can not manifest or that manifesting is just a joke. Well here is some help in manifesting the life you want.
Imagine you are out with some great friends at incredibly comfortable and fabulous restaurant that serves absolutely everything. Not only do they serve food, but they serve anything you can imagine and want. They have food, people, relationships, jobs, houses, money, opportunities, travel and so on.. The waitress who is waiting on you is so happy and to be there for you and bring you anything you request. She is kind and open and it is her wish to bring you anything you desire and she has the power to do so. If you want a yellow tractor with bells on handles, she can bring you that. If you want a trip to the Bahamas, she can do that. If you want a job filled with joy, she can bring you that. If you want money, she can bring you that. Nothing is too big or difficult for her.
So order up and sit back and enjoy yourself while your waiting. And know that all this is coming if it is what you desire. Its just like ordering food in a regular restaurant. You order and just know its coming and enjoy the thought of having it. But just as in a restaurant be very specific in your ordering. If you want a hamburger medium rare with only mayo and no bun you need to order it that way otherwise it might come with everything on it and cooked well done and then you would be upset with what you had. So be aware that she will only bring you what you ask for and she can hear every thought you have when you are ordering. If you are a woman and you ask her to bring you a relationship but you think men are all jerks. She will bring you a relationship with a man who is a jerk because that is really what you asked for. She doesn't know the words no or don't. If you want loads of money but you think rich people are jerks this is what she will really be hearing as you order. Order: People with money are jerks so keep me poor because, because poor people are nice
The key is to be specific when you order and then let her go and get it and know it is happening.
Just like in a real restaurant you wouldn't order your food and then keep saying 'I'm never going to get that'. People would say you were crazy if you did that.
Doing this you will notice your manifestations happen very quickly. If things are coming to you that are unwanted stop to think about what you have been telling the waitress you want. Remember she is always listening to your very request. So write down your order and let it come back to you in the knowingness that it is on its way. If it's taking a really long time be aware of any blocks you might have from receiving what it is you asked for. The strongest desire will always be brought to you.

So here are some examples of how to clearly order:

JOBS: I want a job working with people who are kind and fun, who respect one another, in a city that I love, with hours that suit me and making a great salary that is over and above what I need to pay the bills and something that I will always love and am excited about doing.

Relationship: I want a relationship with someone I have so much fun with that is kind and supportive and funny and loving and loves to travel and loves kids and music and art and food.

These are just examples. The more specific you can be the better. But just know that this person or situation is on its way and just have fun and be patient while you are waiting, knowing that the waitress will bring you these things or situations.

Enjoy and let me know how you get on.

Inner Peace

We are all on a journey. Some journeys may seem harder or easier than others but everything is relative to one's own senses. One person's experience is not greater or less then an other's. We are all searching for inner peace because this is why we have come here.

Inner peace seems to be a most mystical place that many seek but never find. There are yoga retreats, meditation retreats, new homes, new cars, new situations, new jobs, new lovers and so on. We think in those moments when we are somewhere away from ourselves, that all is good, all is at peace and all is one. But the moment we come back to ourselves we begin to feel again, and so our moment of inner peace that we thought we had, is now gone. We are alone with ourselves and that makes us uncomfortable. So we convince ourselves that there is no real place of inner peace, or we keep searching and hoping that we might find it or even that someone has the key to unlock it for us. Or maybe that it is all someone elses fault that we don't have it. But there in lies the answer. Inner peace is not outside us but within us. There are no magic retreats, or lotteries or some magic person or higher being that can take us there. It is within us. Not outside us.

It is that deep journey inward to the deepest darkest place that we find our peace, our own light. This journey is for the brave souls who are willing to look at themselves and see that battered, hated, shameful, ugly, stupid, and powerless child that is inside all of us and begin to see the Truth about that child, that really they are beautiful, and kind and loving and smart and courageous and talented, and funny and wise and powerful. This is when we find our inner peace. When we finally take the child that is inside us and start to listen. When we start to listen we can allow the child to speak the truth about how they feel and we can sit with them and cry with them. We will listen to every story that they have experienced and validate their feeling. We will tell them it is OK to feel and we will let them know they have been seen. We will not tell them they are brave by holding it all in. We will show them that they are brave by speaking their truth. We and let them know that we are now present and will be there to take care of them from now on. We we let them know that we will not allow them to be beaten, or abused by ourselves anymore. We will promise to cherish them as they should be, to be gentle and loving to them at all times and in every situation. And in this way we find our inner peace. We have the power to do this. Jump.

The fabic of our lives

Procrastination is a funny thing, its just fear holding on and dragging us back into a standstill. I mean really life keeps moving forward, it's us that stops the motion. It's those voices in your head, the ones that pull you down and drag you into the mud. Very small children don't have those voices. They are fearless and open, excited and exhilarated by life. I've never seen a child hold back.

So today I sat down at my computer to try and write my book, the story of my music career, and there was nothing, or rather I couldn't sit still. So with the nervous energy I decided I would go off to the market to look for some fabric for the couch. I just had to get out. I had to get away from the pain inside that was squashing my head. So off I went running, but you can never leave yourself, and there amongst the fabric shops were all the answers staring me in the face. There were so many beautiful fabrics each with its own beauty, like so many beautiful tales but which story would I tell and would my fabric be beautiful or the kind that ends up in the bargain bin begging someone to take it for nothing. And then in another shop I heard the answer. There behind the tailored clothes so perfect in their linen, so pristine and manicured, was the sound of a Thai soap opera. So there it was, me trying to be so pristine and perfect, trying to be casual but in control and all the time knowing that underneath the layers lay the real me, the soap opera of madness, ridiculousness and pain. If I was going to write this story I would have to show all my colors and weave my own fabric with all its beauty and all its pain. Because although a natural linen dress is lovely it can be quite boring really. It's color that makes the world beautiful. And so with that I begin...

Closing up shop

As I sit here and try to write about the end of my lovely little children's shop, I realize how difficult it is to do that. Last Tuesday evening at 6pm I had my last customer and a minute after that, my husband and I quickly packed up the shop and threw it into a van to be put away in storage. Within an hour what had taken me over 4 years to build was over. 4 years of my life gone in an instant. Every beautiful child that had come into my shop, every lovely parent that had come in, every kind conversation was all gone and now only a memory.
I had opened that shop out of a fear of taking care of my little baby. My daughter Aiko was 5 months old and I was so worried about how I would be able to take care of her. We had no money and the only thing I really could do was sing and at the time music wasn't paying the bills. So on a trip to NYC the answer came. I would open up a children's clothing shop. I wasn't sure how but all I knew was I would. We didn't own a house, have any money in the bank but I had credit and that's what I used. I found as many credit cards as I could and borrowed what ever they would give me. I had a couple friends who helped out and painted the retail space I had found and on November 1 2006 I opened milk+cookies. My intention was to build a safe place for me, my daughter and everyone who entered the place. Over the 4 years there were so many lovely honest conversation, so many beautiful children and so many beautiful memories. I found my way in those 4 years. I entered that shop a scared little child and exited a whole adult. I am thankful for the children and adults that came to my shop. I am grateful for teaching that I learned from them.
I'm a little scared now I have to say. The road is a little scary out here. It's like flying at night time. You're excited about the flying but you're not so sure where you are going. But I guess really this is the same place I was 5 years ago wondering how I would make my life happen, so maybe I can do it again. I'll just have to believe...

Life Happens

I came here to Thailand to learn “to be” and I guess part of the process of when you come to that point in your life, when you are ready to be still, is to start to understand and see the life that you had lived until that point. Being still is not about doing nothing but rather about being quiet in yourself in order to observe yourself so that you can understand yourself. I feel blessed that I have been given and also taken this opportunity to do this in my life. I tend to see life not as a mountain but more like a mountain range. Where our lessons are learned through the valleys and the uphill hikes through the mountains. The deeper the valley the higher mountain and at the top of each mountain is the most magnificent view. These last two weeks of my life have been extremely challenging and the fact that I have been calm through out the process is a sign to me that I have come a long way. I have not been as calm as a monk but I have been breathing and looking for the light at every corner. Normally when hit with so much I break down and let my world fall apart and then berate myself afterwards for the mess I have made and now need to clean up. It is not very self-loving but that’s why I am here to learn and try again to find the love. I truly believe that we create and co-create our lives. For me I find this idea empowering and helpful in making a better life for myself, my family and others around me.

So here I am on my second leg of my 24 hour journey back to Dublin to sort my business out. My eye has swollen up, I left my 2 year old throwing up in the airport, I am missing my daughter Aiko’s 5^th birthday, I am missing my husband’s 40^th birthday, missing thanksgiving with my family and missing Hanukkah. But with all that, I find the beauty in it. I can take care of all this. We celebrated my daughters 5^th birthday a week earlier and she was none the wiser. Its not about celebrating it on the actual day but celebrating the event. As for my husband's birthday, well we just moved it to the 10^th of December when we will all be together. Hanukkah, well, we can move that as well and as for Thanksgiving, well, I have a lot to be thankful for… If I can deal with this in a positive way I can teach my children that when things happen, because they do, and that’s why we are here to learn, that you can great these happenings in a positive way and grow. And even though I am so sad to be away from my family  maybe my husband needed to learn that he can take care of the children and feel the power in that. As for me, I can learn to trust myself, because that’s why this situation came in the first place. So I look at this situation as a blessing to find my power within me. It't not what happens to you but rather how you handle what happens to you.

Thankful thoughts

Sometimes it seems that the most amazing realizations come at the most bizarre times or situations. Today I was lucky enough to have one of those realizations. I walked into the bathroom at school and saw a woman, who must have just come in a few moments before me, open one of the bathroom stalls, close the door again quickly and look round to me with a look of disgust and then walked into another vacant stall. For a moment I took in this information and stood there waiting for another free stall, but luckily a rational thought popped into my head, "take a look for yourself". I mean how bad could it really be? I mean at the end of the day what makes my shit better then anyone else's. It doesn't freak me out to flush my own waste down the toilet why should it freak me out to flush someone else's? I mean really if you want to break it down it's just food that didn't get used by the body.

So there I was like a brave warrior waiting for the worst to happen and as I opened the door I was only to find a bit of toilet paper that needed flushing. O.K. so no big deal, I can flush the toilet and get on with what I need to do. But what came to me after what pure light. I started to think about why it was so easy for me to just flush the toilet and know it wasn't a big deal. I realized it was something wonderful that my mom had taught me. She never got freaked out about those things. She just got on with it and never blamed someone for leaving it that way or really cared. All she knew was she needed to use the toilet and if you had to flush someone else's waste, well so be it. Big deal. So this made me think about all the other wonderful things she had taught me that help my life flow. Things I don't even really think about why I am that.  But I could certainly tell you why I am the way I am about all the bad and sad things in my life. I mean I could go on for days and years about what my mother didn't do and what she did that were hurtful but where would that get me. I've been there already and it doesn't make my life better it actually makes it worse because I get caught up in the lack which only brings me more pain. I can't change what has happened but I can change what will be. Today I decided that I would write out a list of wonderful and positive things that my mother taught me. Because there are many and I need to be thankful for them. Because if I can do that with her I can do that for myself and in turn I can do that for everyone else in my life and in my life in general. If you want to change the world change change your view of your life and watch it unfold like a beautiful flower. Have you ever heard anyone complain about a flower?

Love

Finding our way in this world can sometimes be tricky. For most of us we seem to wander around looking for our way stumbling through the dark. And at some point we get tired and maybe we decide to give up and just sit this life out but that's when it happens. That's when we see the light, or hear the voice or get the feeling and we start to remember. We start to remember why we came here. Why we came to this life. Most of us in the western world have this idea that we were just dropped into this world because two people had sex and well there we were naked with no choices and no way out.  But here on the other side of the world, in the East, they know that we come time and time again and that we wanted to come to this beautiful life to experience this physical world. They know that this world is an illusion filled with anything we desire because we create our own experience. Life does not happen to us, we are the life we have. We have the power to create anything, to turn darkness into light. How do we find this light? we look into our darkness and see that it is not darkness but rather it is the lack of light. And when we shine the light into our hearts we see the beauty that we are and that beauty radiates onto all beings. We remember that we came here to help one another and to inspire one another and to forgive one another. For if you are my friend in this life, perhaps you were my mother in another and have I shown you the same respect that I would my mother? For aren't you the same person?  And that stranger that pushed in front of me that I  have such contempt for maybe that was my child in another life. If I had know would I be so angry? For how could you have such anger for your child? We are all connected and we are all one. All we need to do is stop and feel the love for that is the only truth. Forget for a minute who you think you are and look into your heart and remember who you really are and there you have found your way.

A Washing Machine

Today as I woke up I could feel something was different. Normally Sami, my two year old, is the one who wakes me up. She reaches over to me and presses her hand across my face with her eyes still shut. Once she can feel the touch of my cheek she slowly opens her eyes and either sticks her fingers in my eyes to get me to wake up or she gently puts her arm around my neck and cuddles closer. But today it was I that awoke first and not with that feeling I usually have that if the girls are still sleeping that that's my cue to take another doze, but rather with a sense of my own today. I looked out the window and and felt the sun on my skin. it's amazing how sunny days can give you such a sense of power. Down the stairs to be greeted by my loving husband making breakfast. Now this day was really going great. Wait!... No coffee! No worries, I'll just jump on my motorbike and away I went. I was feeling so good that I went to the local Starbucks (yes even in Thailand they have Starbucks) with an agenda. I was going to treat myself to an Italian espresso maker. The one we had, had been broken for ages and today I was feeling good about spending money. So I walked in grabbed my coffee maker and with no feeling of worry, slapped down my money and took my Italian coffee maker home with me.  Now back home with a fresh coffee in hand it was time to admire my major purchase from the day before. Now this was no small feat my purchase, it took a lot of strength. But after 4 months of doing our laundry down the street in the laundry machines on the road that barely wash and only have cold water it was time to and make the purchase. I had just done another wash and there was food still on the clothes. OK that was it. I had had it. I grabbed Aiko and went across the moat to the massive electrical store Siam TV. There in the super store filled with  air conditioning, I sat Aiko in front of the flat screen t.v.s and away I went to washing machine section. Without a clue about these things, I decided to throw caution to the wind. Whoever helped me first would get my business. I figured no machine could be so bad. They had to get us through at least a year or so. Without a girlfriend to confer with I made the purchase. I signed off on the credit card and grabbed Aiko. I was now the proud owner of a washing machine. I am sure there are others who will read this who will feel the same. Big appliances, cars and homes are landmark life phases. As I left the building, I heard the voice. The worry voice. "How will you pay for this? Where will you find the money?" I was worried but I was a big girl now I had to just get on with it instead of worrying about the money I had to put my energy into making something happen to bring in the money. Its just a shift in consciousness. 

So this morning Aiko, Sami and I watched the clothes go round and round. The sense of accomplishment was incredible. My clothes would now be clean and I could do my laundry any time of day and without the pressure to be there when the cycle was finished. No one would take my clothes out and leave them on the machine. But best of all, I had taken one step closer to taking care of me. I'm a great traveler but when it comes to taking care of me, I usually fall pretty short to basic survival. But today, today was a new day and a new sense of me.

Forgivness

I think forgiveness must be the hardest thing in life to do. There is not a person in the world who is not effected by forgiveness. As I watch my own children and other children they seem to have a much easier time with forgiveness. I see very small children whack each other and graciously accept the others apology and then move on with what they were doing. They do no hold a grudge or get caught up in the after drama. They seem to be able to express their anger in one way or another like getting sick, or creating some sort of drama, throwing a temper tantrum or with cool reserve and then they move on to the next moment. But in adults it seems so much harder. We say that we forgive but when the same hurt happens again we don't concentrate on the hurt of that particular moment but rather add it on to a series of past hurts.

 I recently forgave my father for the intense pain he had caused me while he was alive. I choose to see the pain as a great kindness because it had taught me so much about what I could do on my own in this life and that if he had been kind to me in a way that I had wanted that maybe I would have never done as many things as I have. He used tell me that I was nothing without him and I used the feelings that those words had on me to achieve great things in this life just to show him. But really in the end what I realized is that he had given me a great gift. I had not shown him but rather I had shown myself what I was capable of. But even as I say this, I think, maybe it is so easy to forgive him now that he is dead. I mean sure, I am secure in the fact that he can not hurt me again. So if he were still alive would I have such forgiveness for him and cross the bridge into love and understanding. I struggle with this forgiveness. Especially with myself. I feel that if I could find that deep forgiveness for myself I could be kinder and more loving with others. I mean I truly believe that we are all loving and beautiful human beings at the core but the one thing I seem to forget is that we are all just human and that when we fall that, that is all it is, just  a fall. I heard a beautiful story of a boy who had lost his eyesight when another boy shot a BB gun at him. Later in his life the boy sought out the other boy who had done this and befriended him. He had felt that through his blindness that he had learned so much and had truly forgiven the boy who had done this and wanted to know him as a friend. I do not think of this boy as a saint but rather at the core of who we all really are. I hope one day to be as gracious and loving as this inspiring soul.

Back to school

I have to say, there are some people in life who just love school. That can't seem to get enough of it. They go to primary school, then secondary school, University and then that doesn't isn't enough so they do for their masters and then their doctorate and then a new degree and then another masters and so on and so on and so on. For me I think if I could have left around the 7th grade that would have been perfect. I mean its not to say that I don't like learning because I do. I thrive on it. I eat information for breakfast and want more. What I don't like is the actual classroom. The minute I step inside I feel completely uneasy and lost. I try to find a seat where I can hide from the teacher and other classmates. I especially like to stay away from the really smart people hoping that the teacher will spend all her time talking to them and forget I'm in the room. But, sometimes in life, the places you hate the most are the places you must come back to in order to make peace with the uneasiness in your being. So here I am again back in the classroom. This time studying Thai. Now if you don't know too much about the language let me tell you. There are 44 letters and 5 tones. They don't use a roman alphabet so we are only learning to speak. To speak Thai you must speak the tone of the word. If you get the tone wrong you might tell someone that they are unlucky rather then what you were trying to say that they are beautiful. You can see how the tone is important in thai. I was in the grocery store the other day and was asking where the popcorn was and they had absolutely no idea what I was talking about because I said it in the wrong tone and they use the English word popcorn. They just say it in their own tonal language.

So back in the classroom... I've been learning for one week now and by the end of the class I am exhausted just trying to focus on what is going on and trying to take it all in. I am extremely lucky to have my husband there with me to remind me to stay clam. Every once in a while he looks over and calmly tells me to come back into the room and just focus. He tells me that I am not the only one who does not understand because it is all new and that I will get it but to just breath and stay calm. He's right. I do leave the room. I go into the sad and lonely place of "I'm such a loser. Why can't I get this?". Before this week, I would have never realized that I do that, go to another palce. I wish I would have know him back when I was in school, it would have saved me years of pain and I would have done a lot better in my grades. I mean I know I'm not stupid but those thoughts inside the classroom can throw me down like a snow ball gathering speed and size down a mountain and begin permeating into everything I do. It made me think about how powerless we all feel at one time of another and thinking that, everyone is getting it but us. I wish we all had someone like my husband to remind us to stay in the room, breath and know we will get it and like all new information it takes a while for it to process. Its the same when we walk into a room of people we don't know, or a new job or a new relationship or a new living situation. We get nervous of what other people that we don't know might be thinking of us or nervous that we don't know what to do. But of course we don't know what to do we are just learning something new and if we knew it already we wouldn't be learning. We  just need to breath, stay in the room mentally and enjoy the new information. Nobody ever falls down, we are just learning how to walk and when we can see this the learning is much easier and much more fun. Like children learning to walk, they never get nervous or upset about it they just fall down and while they are there they notice something wonderful on the ground that they didn't see before.
 I'm glad I have this opportunity to be back in the classroom. I feel like its a chance for me to revise my feelings about my early school experiences and learn that learning is all about allowing yourself to be where you are in the moment and enjoying. So to all of you who are trying something new, breath, stay in the room and enjoy the newness of the moment.

The Weather

The weather is such a funny thing. In some ways I think we are all a bit obsessed with the weather. Isn't it what everyone talks about when there is nothing to say? Has anyone actually gone through their day without thinking about the weather? Maybe in San Diego where the weather is mostly constant and perfect, maybe there they don't talk about the weather. I have just lived in Ireland for the last 6 years where everyone talks about the weather constantly. I mean basically the weather is cold and rainy. I find is hysterical watching the weather on the news in Ireland. I mean to me what really is the difference between somewhat cloudy and mostly cloudy to a chance, and I mean a chance of sun, in the afternoon.

Feargal, my husband asked me to buy a thermometer for the house. WHY!!!!!!!!! I mean please, what is the difference between 92 and 94 or 86 for that matter. I can tell you the weather its hot and hot and more hot. There is a great character in the movie called "Good morning Vietnam", the radio d.j. Every morning he reports the weather not in degrees but just the same word hot hot and more hot. Monica is always letting me know what the weather is as well and I just laugh wondering if maybe I didn't know the temp, would I be as hot? It's 10 o'clock at night here and its 82 degrees (in Celsius that's 28) There is a light sweat over my body and I am trying not to move too much or I know I'll overheat. We don't have air conditioning and having a fan in this heat is like have your own mini heater. The fan just blows the hot air in your face, which I feel is a little worse then no fan. Plus the fan we have sounds like a helicopter. Its so loud it almost drowns out the bar across the way, where drunk Thai people listen to country music so that the whole neighborhood can hear as well. I'm not sure which is option is better.

When we lived in Dublin I was cold all year long and even my bones were wet. If you've never lived in a wet climate you can't even image your bones being cold but believe me your bones do get cold and wet. Now here in Thailand I have experienced the complete opposite a new sensation of actually sweating in the shower. No, you say. Believe me I never would have thought it either but yesterday as I was desperately trying to cool down, I took a cold shower and I was still sweating. I think I can safely say that my bones are now dry and warm. And I have to say after 6 years of cold, sweating in the shower only makes me laugh and be thankful I'm not cold anymore. And like yesterday, when I can't take the heat I just go over to the 7/11 and stand there in the air conditioning for 20 minutes until I'm somewhat cooled down. But sure what can you do but enjoy the journey.

OK so here goes. My first blog. A little bit nervous about posting my thoughts but like the title into the unknown I go.

So its been 3 months now since we got here to Thailand and so much has happened. From miscarriages to 30 hour train rides to near civil war and now finally to finding a house to settle into, to get down to the business we came here for "just being". I mean that was the idea a year away in Thailand with our 2 children ages 4 and 2 to learn just how to "be" with each other. What better way then in a Buddhist country to learn to "be". I look around at the kids here and they are just so calm. I see little kids 18months just sitting and hanging out with their parents calmly and I am amazed!! As laid back as my 2 year old is she has never just sat quietly with doing nothing but being. But then again I can't remember the last time I just sat back and just was. But slowly as we are here I begin to breath again and notice that my shoulders aren't as wound up as high to my ears anymore. They aren't completely relaxed but slowly slowly...

I've been learning to ride a motorbike, which I have to say is no easy task especially when you have 2 small children with you. But Aiko, my 4 year old, is amazing. She is always so encouraging and has helped me work through my fear of motorbikes. For some reason I have always had a fear of motorbikes. I think it comes from riding on snowmobiles as a kid and feeling so unsafe but in Thailand the motorbike rules and if you want to get around you have to learn to ride. So there we are, Aiko standing at the front, our little captain, me driving, Sami behind me and Monica, our amazing Au Pair at the back riding through the streets on Chiang Mai. Aiko stands there holding on to the rear view mirrors encouraging me "You can do it Mommy, don't be afraid, I believe in you." At first I really thought there was no way I could do this, it was too dangerous with me at the helm but Aiko was right it was all about Fear and if I couldn't move past this how could I show her how to move past her fears into freedom. Everyday I get more and more confident and praise myself for doing to well which helps me get better. In the past I would have critized myself for being so pathetic that I couldn't get it on the first time. This is the first step in "being" not criticizing but just experiencing and moving forward on this journey. I wonder where I would be without my kids. They are constantly a source of love and inspiration for me. Tonight as we came home on the bike, me taking the back seat, I held Sami, my 2 year old, as we watched the stars and moon from our moving motorbike and I thanked the heavens for this incredible opportunity to be here in Thailand with my family and this incredible time just to be.